More Than You'll Ever Know
by Sumeragi Sui
Summary: Set in Nadeshiko's high school days, Sonomi is deeply in love with her cousin. But is it a love that can never be reciprocated? Will she end with a broken heart? Only Nadeshiko will be able to answer, no matter how dense she may seem.


**More Than You'll Ever Know**

[Sumeragi] Sui

Disclaimers: CCS = CLAMP's stuff. Not mine :3

Warnings: Umm, hints of incest and [one-sided] shoujo-ai.

Notes: I'm putting Simulation on a hiatus while I write this, because I really wanted to write a CCS fic ^_^

I'm hoping this idea isn't overdone or anything, because I've only recently gotten back into CCS for the first time since 2001 and I haven't read many fanfics from it either, so I wouldn't know. I have to give all inspiration and such to _YumemiNoUta_, who was the reason I even started reading CCS again. ^-^ Anyway, here goes. If there's any errors or such that I should correct [because I'm not quite sure about the details], please email liz at moonshadow-garden dot net. Thank you!

This is my first CCS fic, so please review and tell me if it's okay or not. Please enjoy!

_~ my mind's going crazy_

_but my heart says I'm sane_

_aren't I?_

"Amamiya-san, please read page thirty-four," Akizuki-sensei said clearly, flipping pages in his book.

Amamiya Sonomi grinned as she shared a look with her cousin, Nadeshiko, who shared the same last name.  The pretty yet air-headed girl had her head in the clouds again… but Sonomi didn't care.  To her, Nadeshiko was her everything, but she knew she could never…

"Which one?" Sonomi asked, grinning slightly.  "Sensei, I think you forget that there's two of us."  Akizuki-sensei gave a start at being addressed, and, pushing his glasses up his tiny nose, he coughed and specified Nadeshiko.  Sonomi sweatdropped.  Her cousin wasn't even paying attention to the lecture on Romeo and Juliet.

She whispered urgently, "Nadeshiko-chan!"  The cute girl named Nadeshiko looked up, blushing slightly at being addressed by the teacher and beginning to read.

"Shakespeare was one of the most influential British playwrights…"

Not listening to Nadeshiko, Sonomi chose to instead admire her cousin's fragile beauty… she did this quite often, actually.  Just watching her cousin's delicate movements seemed to fulfill Sonomi, content her, provide her utmost happiness.  _Nadeshiko-chan…_

She recalled the time when she almost confessed her devotion to her rather dense cousin…

_"Nadeshiko-chan…" Sonomi whispered softly._

_Nadeshiko grinned kindly and bounced cheerfully upon being spoken to.  Just her smile would satisfy Sonomi, her tender smile…  "Yes, Sonomi-chan?"  She smiled and tilted her head to one side, looking content and curious._

_Softly, Sonomi muttered, "Nadeshiko-chan… I love you a lot…"  At this, Nadeshiko smiled and made a face.  "I love you too!  Of course I do."  She offered Sonomi a tight embrace, and while holding her, she said loudly, "I mean, you're my cousin, my blood!  I'll always love you, no matter what…"_

But is it the type of love I want? _Sonomi wondered bitterly, forcing back light tears and instead offering a smile.  "Of course… I'll always love you too… _always_…"_

More than you'll ever know, _she added silently, making herself grin in spite of the sorrow she'd swallowed._

"Sonomi-san!"  A light-haired boy named Takahashi Akito whispered to her, interrupting her quiet reminiscent musing and making a sheepish peace sign with his fingers.  "Want to go out with me?"  He blushed.

Looking surprised, Sonomi's eyes widened, and she blushed too.  "Um…" she began nervously, wondering how she could politely and nicely turn him down.  Before she could answer, however, the teacher interrupted her with a mildly stern look on his face.  "Amamiya-san, Takahashi-san, do you have something to share with the class?"

Reddening deeper, Sonomi shook her head wildly, straight locks flying swiftly in several different directions.  Takahashi's face flushed an almost disturbingly orange color and returned to his work.  Sonomi sighed and bit her lip, staring at the paper she was supposed to be taking notes on.  Although the majority of the sheet was blank, in the corner of her paper was a small area that was filled with writing.  If anybody had looked closely enough, they would be able to see the single, faded word _Nadeshiko_…

+ + +

"Sonomi-chan?  Are you okay?" Nadeshiko asked her cousin with a look of obvious concern.  The weekly sleepover at their houses, one weekend Sonomi's, the next Nadeshiko's.  It was one of Sonomi's favorite times—no, the only time.  The only time she truly enjoyed in her life… to be with Nadeshiko…

Sonomi smiled in an ersatz way, almost twisted.  She appreciated Nadeshiko's concern, but it was really quite fortunate that her cousin was quite dense… otherwise, she would have obviously realized Sonomi's feelings for her, and she didn't know how her naïve Nadeshiko would react to discovering something like that…

Nodding, she began to knead the dough.  Nadeshiko wanted to make cookies to bring to their friend, who had been sick with the flu for a few days.  _She's always so kind-hearted,_ Sonomi thought, sighing faintly.  Nadeshiko barely noticed, as she was too preoccupied with her cooking and humming a popular song.  "La la la…" Nadeshiko sang, smiling to herself.

Still singing, she began inserting the chocolate chips into the dough, and remarked contently, "Sonomi-chan, we always hang out together.  It's fun!  We must be the closest cousins in the world."  Grinning, she began humming again.  Sonomi smiled sadly at Nadeshiko's innocence and purity… she would never be able to even understand what Sonomi's feelings toward her really were, even if she knew them.

"Oh, Nadeshiko…" Sonomi whispered to herself in a depressed voice.  Nadeshiko looked up, slightly surprised and very cheerful.  "Sonomi-chan, did you say something?"  Sonomi shook her head reassuringly, and thanked Kami-sama that Nadeshiko was so dense.  Then again, why exactly was she so afraid of Nadeshiko knowing her feelings?

_Because you know she will never reciprocate them,_ an evil voice hissed in Sonomi's mind.  Caught off guard, she tried to fight the growing negativity in her own consciousness.  _No, that's not true… Nadeshiko loves me… she loves me…_ Struggling against it, she breathed heavily. _She's never going to love you in the way you want her to… she's going to find someone else soon… someone who she's actually attracted to…  She'll never really love you…  Face it, Sonomi…_

Shaking, Sonomi announced to Nadeshiko that she was going to look for something in her room.  "Be right back!" she chirped in a falsely happy voice, as she ran up the stairs, straining against herself and tripping over the second to last step.

"No," Sonomi whispered quietly, afraid to face reality.  Strewn across the steps, she repeated to herself, "No… no… no… no… no… no… no… no…"

The vile sound in her brain didn't stop.  _She doesn't love you.  She doesn't love you…_  Nobody was able to hear Sonomi's silent screams, attempting to banish the malevolence from her own self.  It smiled darkly at her.  _I shall leave… as you wish.  But think again before you tell yourself lies…_

Gasping, she clutched her heart.  "_No…_"

+ + +

"Is Sonomi alright?" Sonomi's father asked Nadeshiko worriedly.  Nadeshiko shrugged with a seemingly blank expression on her face, stroking her cousin's short hair.

Never had anyone seen Nadeshiko looked so serious, or so concerned.  The bleakness of the hospital room seemed to suffocate her, and eat away everything and anything in its small, confined space.  Still, in the midst of it all, Nadeshiko remained blatantly unaware of Sonomi's true feelings, her true Wish… Nadeshiko sighed, holding Sonomi's hand in her own small hands.

In her sleep, Sonomi tossed and turned.  Nadeshiko was standing in front of her, her face clouded in an unsettling, ominous mist.  She turned her back towards Sonomi and walked away, even as Sonomi protested and screamed after her.  But it was silent again, her silent screams nobody heard… and she started crying.

"Sonomi-chan?!" Nadeshiko cried suddenly, surprised and snapping out of her somber state.  "Sonomi-chan, are you all right?" she asked, helping Sonomi sit up in the bed, sighing with relief.  Feeling a bit overwhelmed herself, she smiled reassuringly and held Sonomi's hand to her cheek.  "The doctor said you had a panic attack, but it's most likely not recurrent… but you shouldn't stress yourself so much, you'll hurt yourself!"

Weakly, Sonomi smiled and nodded, disoriented.  "Uh-huh…" was the reply, simply.  Sonomi didn't feel like talking anymore.  She barely even realized that she'd collapsed in her home, but she could feel Nadeshiko holding her hand in her sleep… but she still had turbulent dreams.  Abruptly, she clutched her stomach, and before Nadeshiko could hand her the wastebasket she promptly vomited despite her battles against it.

She couldn't control herself anymore…  They were taking over…  She felt sickened, disgusted, angry, hurt, depressed, and nauseous, all at once.  And all she wanted was for Nadeshiko to realize…

She fell asleep again.

+ + +

"Welcome back to school… S-Sonomi-san…" Takahashi greeted meekly, blushing faintly.  Sonomi barely heard his words as they escaped his lips, quiet and nervous.  She barely cared.  She laughed bitterly to herself.  For her own sake, she would have to regain her sense of identity again, or she would lose Nadeshiko…

~

Ending Notes: There you go, my first CCS fic.  Personally, I looked through several pages of CCS fics and I didn't see any of this nature, so I guess it _was_ at least slightly original.  Anyway, I'm feeling a bit sick myself, and even though I wanted a longer chapter, this will have to do for now.  Ja!


End file.
